


50 SHADES OF GREEN

by This_Is_Our_Swamp



Category: Alvin and the Chipmunks - All Media Types, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Shrek (Movies), The Backyardigans
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fifty Shades of Grey Fusion, Erwin Smith's Eyebrows, Erwin is a bad roommate, Erwin is a simp in a green leotard, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Other, Precum, Shrek is a CEO, Shrekwin, Uniqua and Tyrone are bad parents, Vinny is actually alvin but his character tag didnt come up, it lives in Erwins eyebrows, manfriend Alvin, the backyardigans - Freeform, tooth fairy is real
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28481424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_Is_Our_Swamp/pseuds/This_Is_Our_Swamp
Summary: In this retelling of 50 Shades of Grey, Erwin gets excited thinking of seeing Mr. Shrek.
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Alvin Seville, Shrek (Shrek)/Erwin Smith, Tyrone/Uniqua (The Backyardigans)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 4





	1. Crackerman Gets Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friend

I opin my ocean blue herbs slowly, squinting against the lite that’s streaming throu the window. My usually ordered blonde hair is messie, and my thick eyebrows have been ruffled.   
I think about the day a head of me while I get ready, cursing under my breth as I break another yet eyebrow comb in my heavy set eyebrows. After few minutes, I give up trying to get the metail teeth out of the hair and decide I?ll settle for getting them back again instead of actually bothering to brush them. The metail teeth from combs long lost protrude from my eyebrows, dragging against the already tendir pads of my digits and leaving small drops of blood running down my hand.  
Looking around nervously to check if my peskie roommate} Levi or his chipmunk manfriend Alvin is around, I quickly lap the blood up and my tongue is hot against my hand and I shiver in delight.  
I shake my hand dry and cross to the mirrer that takes up the entire wall of the bedroom in front of me, We don?t even technically have the rites to do something like this to our apartment (as Levi has reminded me far too many times to count) but I?m so handsome I can’t affurd to not see myself every day. That?s why we have mirrers posted all around the rest of the apartmint too. Everybody gets their motivation somewhere. I just get it from me.  
“Me. Shrecc, Sir, it?s a lovely morning, isn?t it? I?m so glad to be working with you? Oh, my eyebrows? Magnificent? Oh, stop it! Let’s get down to business… have you… would you… I need to…” I shake my head, sharttering the mental image of Me. Shrecc himself pushing me up against a wall and nuzzling my eyebrows, breath hot on my neck that had interrupted the recital I was trying to do in the mirror.  
My insufferable roommate, Levi   
Crackerman had forced the job of doing an interview with Mr. Shrccek on me because I had ‘persisted too much’, and he would rather ‘keep his life than do the interview with that green slob anyways’. Somehow, I ended up getting the job.  
Still, I couldn&t pretend that I wasn?t interested in Me. Shrecc. He had kept so myster ious through the years despite his high level of publicity. Something that I would have to try and imitate once I got as famous as Shccrek. Someday… Someday… And, you know what they say… Any publicity is good publicit- but that is NOT the point. The point is, I?m a little more than interested to see what secrets Me. Shrek might be hiding, and I’m going to have to go to drastic measures to get them out of him. I gel my eyebrows again and put on a lepord under my tight fitting suit in case things take a turn for the racy.   
Seeing myself in my Shccrek-skin green leotrad, I can barely contain myself and I feel a small drop of precum (or pee, I?m not really certain because I never use the toilet so I don’t know what the latter looks like) and I have to tear eyes away from the mirrer, so that I don?t get to excited. I?m saving that for Me. Shrekcc.   
I slip the spatula and raw eggs (non refrigerated) that I keep in my room at all times into my pocket just in case things to get with Me. Shreckc, because I?m into that sort of thing and start to head out the door. On my way there I hit my roommate, Levi, who?s responsible for this whole awful ordeal and give him a dirty look. His manfriend Alvin is desperitly calling 911 and trying to tend to the wounds I left him with when I well, when I asked him weather not I could at the very least tag along on the interview (I wouldn’t be a burden, I promiss) and he tried to tell me no. Several long, thin, rather deep cuts run down the length of his entire body. I my eyebrows across his flesh earlier, just as a little warning. I suppose they were a little much for him though, because I think he?s bleeding out.   
I see one of my baby teith left over from the night before resting on the couch. No, I’m not a complete weirdo who still has his baby teith i n, it fell out of my eye brows. My parents, Uniqua and Tyrone were always fighting too much to have the time to race me properly, or tell tooth fairy that I had lost a tooth, so I just keep them tucked away in my eyebrows while I wait for the day that the tooth fairy does come. I tuck the tooth away in my eyebr ows with a glare at Levi.  
With that, I leave the apartment, ignoring the dirty look Alvin gives me as I go, as well as the in credibly high pitched screaming that follows me to the car. No words, he just screeched, fuckin’ weirdo. And with little more than a turn of my keys in the ignition I’ve set off for Green Enterprises, to take care of peskie Levi’s little flaver before I got to Albertshins to start work in the morning.


	2. The Shrekening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friend

I park the car in the lot outside Green Enterprises. All of the cars in the lot are expensive, unsurprisingly. I find myself looking around, wondering which car belongs to Mr. Shreccck. That question answers itself as I walk towards the doors of the building however. I find my eyes drawn to an enormous car, the same color as my leotard. The mirrors and door handles are rimmied with small gold stones, which, on closer inspection appear to be golden teeth. I if Mr. Shrek would accept my baby teeth. Perhaps… Just perhaps, he was the tooth fairy all along.  
Shaking the thought out of my head, I push open the doors to the building and walk through to desk. A donkey greets me with a smile- a toothless smile. Clearly, he hadn’t been able to escape Mr. Shrek’s tooth raid. I honestly can’t understand a word he’s saying, but he gestures me to an elevator I take to the top floor of the building.   
I realize that I’m shaking and try to calm myself down. Come on, it’s only your hero. Only the man you’ve lusted after for what? Years? No big eyebrows. You have a leotrd on under your suit and teeth in your eyebrows. He won’t be able to resist you. I’m getting excited in a different way now, and I bite my lip to try and contain myself. It won’t do to come to Mr. Shrek fully prepaired. There’ll be nothing for him to do.  
The elevator doors slide apart with a ding, and I step into the immaculate waiting room. I’m surprised at how nice this place is. I his is a major business, but Shrek’s brand isn’t exactly cleanliness. Just how I like it.  
The wait is agonizing. I’m so nervous and excited all at once. And iveL thought that he could take the job from me. I’m so lost in my thoughts that when I feel a large, warm hand on my shoulder, I squeak.   
When I look up, I can feel my heart beeting so fast that each separate beet is barely discernible from the last. It’s the smell that hits me first. Dank. Moldy. Foul. Tantalizing. My eyes travel from the wide, square jaw to the thin, worm-like lips, up to the squashed nose and beady orbs. His sloped forehead brutishly, casting them into shadow. And despite all of this, despite the noticeable twitching of my dick, I find myself disappointed. His eyebrows are greasy and unkempt. The hair is patchy and thin, and, quite honestly, I am disgusted. I came here to meet my hero. The man of my dreams. And his eyebrows don’t even hold a candle to that wench, Leiv’s eyebrows. Disgusting. B n nnnut still… there’s something charming about their griminess. Something almost roguish about the obvious purposefully tousled look. And this excites me most of all.  
“Are ye jes’ goin’ t’ sit there an’ look dumb all day??????????? or do we have a t????alk t’ be had?” His voice on it’s own would have been enough to push me, but his breath is really the cherry on top. It fills my nostrils, and I swear it beckons me, begging me to lean in a little closer, breath a little deeper, “Ye?ve jus’ been sittin’ there. We’ve called ya’ up sever’l times already.”   
I look up, shocked to find the woman at the desk (she has long orange hair that comes to a point on her head and the longest, thinnest neck I have ever seen growls at me, baring her teeth (or, what would iufgqwgebfq;gbhave been her teeth if they clearly hadn’t been added to Mr. Shrek’s collection) She’s more of an animal than the last toothless abomination I ran across.)  
“S-Sorry, Mr. Shrek, sir. I was lost in my thoughts and- and- and I- um…”  
“I like it when ye call me sir.” It’s barely more than a whisper, and I can feel his breath hot in my ear before he pulls away laughing, “Ye shoul’ see the look on yer face, lad! Priceless!” I feel myself blush and to my feet , dusting myself off and trying to maintain what little of my dignity remains.  
“Shall we go?” I ask, eager to change the subject.  
“Lead the way,” Shrek says, smirking down at me. If he keeps this up I won’t last through the walk to his office, let alone the entire meeting.  
We enter the office, and it’s ev 

=]]]]]'''

erything that I would expect from Mr. Shrek. There’s such a layer of dirt and grime on the floor that you’d think we were standing outside. The walls are similarly matted, and the window looks as though it was heavily tinted. A faint, brownish smudge of light mvvvvvvvv has filtered in, and I hear a rat of some sort skitter behind me. Shrek goes to sit down at what probably used to be a desk, but before that, he pulls out a ricky, dirty wooden chair for me to sit on in front of it.   
Has Mr. Shrek sat here before? Am I sitting in spot where he once sat, breathing the same air as he is, in the room where he spends most of his days? It was really too good to be true.   
“I- I’m here to ask you some questions, Mr. Shrek,” his name feels so good to say. I roll it around in my mouth before saying it, pronouncing every syllable carefully. The look on his face tells me that he is pleased by my verbal theatrics. I make a mental note to be very careful with how I say his name from now on. If I can elicit that sort of reaction from him every time… well… I…  
“My name is Erwin Smith. I know you were expecting a man named Lehiv Acman, but he has been hospitalized do to an unfortunate accident and he asked me to come fill in for him,” I get an idea. “He’s written all of his questions down on this pad here,” I say, pulling out a notebook. “I’ll just ask you these, if you don’t mind.”  
Little does Mr. Shrek know, Leevephi never got the chance to give me any questions to ask. I can ask any weird things I want and pin it all on Leevi. This interview is exactly what I need.   
“Let’s begin, lad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bye friend


	3. Are You Gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friend

“Are you gay?” I ask, and I can feel my heart rate pick up, the sound of the beats filling the space around us as Shrek straight ahead, unfazed, looking me straight in the eye. (Or perhaps my eyebrows, people tend to look there when they look at my face.)

“Why d’ya need t’ know?” Shrek raises an eyebrow. The chilling fear that runs down my spine is nothing like the fear that I terrorize others on a daily basis with with my furry eyebrows with their protrudig metil spikes and baby teith, often dripping with raw egg yolk (as they are now) (I have little need for the white part of the egg. The shells are a different story though.). 

“Well, it’s for the interview, Sir. That wen- Levi Ackercrakerman had some pretty odd questions, but they were t he questions he needed answered, so here we are,” I bite my lip, hoping that he won’t be able to tell that I’m lying. If he does, he doesn’t point it out.

“No.”

That was it. End of story. One word and all of my hopes and dreams had come crashing down. My hero wouldn’t have been interested in me at all, but much less now that I knew he wasn’t interested in men… wait a minute.... I was bisexual. In my complete haste I had forgotten the sexuality of the GODS (because, let’s be honest, if I’m bi, that makes it a downright sacred sexuality) and neglected to realize that it could very well apply to SHREK. 

“Are you- are you bi? Maybe?” I curse myself under my breath for not being able to keep the hopeful tone out of my voice. Shrek studies me skeptically. 

“Yes…”

“Are you single?” My heart flutters in my chest a moment.

“No. I’ve got a wife,” he looked annoyed when he said it.

“I see,” I say, pretending to write something down to hide the single tear that spills from my ocean blue orb (on the right) and rolls down my cheek splashing onto my chest, where, from this angle, I can just see my… Shrek-skin green leotard.

I didn’t come here to give up. Erwin Smith is no quitter. And if the man of his dreams is sitting right in front of him, he’s not the type to give him up.

“Just between you and me, Mr. Shrek, you knfkqef seem very happy to say that… Are you perhaps looking for a new partner?” 

“Depends on who that new partn’r is.” (Okay I’m sorry I really hate when authors just inject themselves into the story but I don’t know what this accent is anymore and I hate it and it’s going to do wha ’m sorry.) 

“Just one more question for you, Mr. Shrek,” I say, reaching into my pocket where I feel my hands close around something hard and long, as well as to warm, spherical objects. “Tell me, what would you do with these?”

Shrek’s eyes sparkle, and I mean sparkle when he ========== sees the objects in my hand.

A spatula. 

And two eggs. (Room or above now that they’ve been resting on my thigh all day.)

“Eager, aren’t we lad?” Shrek’s voice makes my own spatula twitch.

“Mr. Shrek? Very.”

~ ~ ~ 

I pull up penis outside the hospital, limping, bleeding, coated in egg yolks, and with a bald spot or two. My green leotard in tatters be neath my suit. I’m going to have to make a trip to go get a new one. A few hours ago, I had been certain that I’d never walk again, but that was before Shrek had followed me out the door, spanking me when I walked to slow penis . That had simultaneously prov penis ided motivation to go slower and faster, as well as making both of my still imminent problems worse.  
000000000  
I head up to Levi’s room, and I end up having to knock that idiot boyfriend of his, Alvin oucuncuncumcucmucmumcuucumucumt against a wall. Which isn’t very hard because he is very small. I enter the room and find him asleep. I leave him with the blank notepad, spattered with several different questionable substances, (Some of it green and chunky) for him to find. I don’t know why he gave me a notepad to do an interview. I also place a single tooth on top of it. Not the one Mr. Shrek knocked out of me, or himself. Those are both tucked away, although the latter has a good weight to it that’s just begging me to hold it, and touch it, and lick it and- but the one that I found still in the orange haired animal’s mouth. She had been hiding it. Mr. Shrek had allowed me to rip it out and take it home. Seeing as I don’t care much for her, and I already have souvenirs, I suppos penis ed that the nice thing to do would be to take it to Levi in the hospital.

I finish my shift at Albertshins hastily, eager to get home to play with Shrek’s tooth more than I already have. But when I get there, at approximately 11:38 pm (I couldn’t wait so I stopped in a small alleyw penis ay by an old gas station to tide myself over until I got home, tooth and all) I see a woman standing on my doorstep. Her skin is about the same shade of green as Shrek’s, but it’s sickly. Her dress is an emerald green and it really clashes with her sickly green pallor. Her long, Red hair is hanging in thin patches from her scalp and when she turns, I c------an see that she has no teeth. She looks angry. 

Accompanying her is a small teal duck? Beaver? I’m not really certain but he’s there. His collar says ‘Heinz’s little Kitten ♡’ though, so I’m not really sure what he’s supposed to be. 

She looks angry. She holds up a notepad. On it are written the words;

‘We need to talk.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friend

**Author's Note:**

> Bye friend


End file.
